scavenger hunt

I've been thinking a lot about what I want. I have a lot of free time these days, and I want to fill them with something meaningful. And I feel like a lot of what I do is meaningless. A lot of wasting time, wishing I were doing something different, and hoping for a life regret-free.

I made a list of things I like doing. Things I want to do more of and get better at.

I want to look at it every day and remind myself that each day is another chance to start something new. And to improve myself. And become the person I've always wanted to be. Though, I find that person seems to change all the time.

I keep learning new things about myself that are so different from the version of myself I always thought I was.

It all ended

I went to the midnight screening of

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows Part Two

last night knowing full well that 

I had to wake up at 7am

and go to an 8 hour work day.

But I had to do it.

It was the final one.

Of course it was pouring and packed last night.

I cried.

A bunch.

Especially during the Snape scenes.

I love Snape.

When he looked into Harry's eyes,

it killed me.

Snape's memories -

also killed me.

And this last film made me love

Professor McGonagall even more.

And way to go Neville!
(Who is also a certified babe now.)

At the end of the film,

I couldn't believe that it had been ten years.

That I had grown up with the series.

At the beginning, I wasn't into Harry Potter at all.

I could barely get past the first chapter

of Sorcerer's Stone.

Then I became a diehard fan for the books.

Coming from someone who hates lengthy novels,

this is saying a lot.

I remember getting up way too early,

eagerly awaiting the UPS man to bring

that special box

with that special book.

I remember rushing to my room,

propping the book up on my pillow,

and devouring a 500 page book

as though it were a limerick.

I remember crying when Sirius died.

I remember I brought the 7th book to

theater rehearsals with me -

sitting on the stage

when I read that Hedwig died.

I remember rereading the first kiss between Harry and Ginny,

because I wondered if a boy had

ever felt that way when he kissed me.

It's hard to believe that it's been 10 years.

I'm 21 now, and the story has ended.

While watching the film last night,

I thought, "He's got one of the horcruxes now,

but man - now something bad and annoying is

gonna happen that's going to put them in a difficult spot

and - UGH."

But I realized something - that's okay.

That's what happens in real life.

At a moment of greatness,

sometimes complications get in the way.

These complications certainly aren't as

dramatic as they in movies,

but we face our own adversities.

And I like that Harry Potter showed me that

it's okay when tough times come around.

Because as bad as it may seem,

at least you're not trying to defeat the most evil wizard in the world.

Old ghosts haunting me tonight,
and all of a sudden

this blog turns into my high school journal.

I swear,

no matter how much you think you've changed,

you haven't.

And I know none of these sentiments are original

or unique.

Everyone has gone through something like this.

And I feel like one in a billion of tiny shattered pieces

who are haunted by someone they want

and can't have.

And shouldn't have.

And is not meant for them.

 I hate this feeling.

And I hate that I think it and feel it

all the time.

She's an Uptown Girl

I went to my favorite Mediterranean place
(the only Mediterranean place I've been)
the other day with Alan to get the kufta kabob sandwich.

I LIVE for that thing. It's ground up pork (?), lamb (?) -
I'm not sure. It's just a combination of awesome.
And their twice fried potato slices - YUMMY.

I got there, and the waitress said,

"We only have one kufta."

I looked at Alan, and I almost started tearing up.

Not really, but I was genuinely sad.

The Id of my subconscious kicked in,

and I selfishly wanted to claim the last one for myself.

But I've had the kufta about three times now,

and Alan has only had it one time.

So I insisted on trying something else.

Alas,

The chicken breast sandwich.

It was pretty delicious actually. Marinated in

lemon juice and other spices. Pretty delicious.
I said that already...

Uptown Cafe
117 South Perry Street
Lawerenceville, GA

Parlez vous francais?

So I've decided to study abroad in the fall.

After weeks of going back and forth,

I had a talk with my editor.

She's a graduate student, and she's going to France

this summer.

I told her about being scared to leave from home.

I told her that I wasn't sure that was a good enough reason.

She told me, "You're scared. That's exactly why you should go."

She told me about being an undergrad and

missing out on studying abroad, because she was scared.

She convinced me.

So now I'm getting ready to be Provence for three months.

Working all summer to help pay for room and board.

Applying for my passport for the very first time.

Trying to learn a little French.

And, of course, planning my wardrobe.

Essentials, essentials, essentials.

According to SCAD Lacoste Guidelines:

Fall weather starts in the 70's and gets colder and wetter in October.
By the end of the quarter most days are in the mid to low 50's.
Temperatures will dip significantly in the evening.
Layering will be a must this time of year as it can be warm in the sunshine,
but sweater weather in the shade.
Expect some thunderstorms, high winds, and occasional showers this time of year.

So, I'm thinking*:

Target cargo jacket
Gap blue blazer
Gap chambray shirtdress
Gap striped shirtdress
Old Navy striped dress
Target striped top
Target grey top
New York & Co. black chinos
J. Crew grey pants
Old Navy white skirt
3-4 pairs of leggings/stockings
Old Navy flips flops
Dolce Vita for Target boots
Chambray Keds

Payless flats

*Subject to change.

Gala gala

I was fortunate enough to get into the

SCAD Seen Gala for free.

Tickets ranged from $150 to $275.

Yikes!

With these prices, it was no wonder that

the people sauntering through

4C were some pretty swanky people.

The gala is a scholarship for SCAD -

students and teachers create work,

rich people bid on it,

and the money goes to scholarships.

Every year they showcase a different major.

I think I came during a great year -

fashion was the focus.

They set up platforms for each student designer,

and they sold their work to these swanky people.

The food.

THE FOOD!

I wanted to take a picture of all

the stuff I ate, but I was scared I was

going to drop something.

But let me tell you -

YUMMY.

I didn't stay for the ice cream.

(Fun fact: Pretty sure that ^ will be the title of

my collection of creative fiction

should I ever publish one.)

My bun started falling apart,

so I knew it was time to leave.

Plus, my feet were killing me

from crashing down onto the concrete floor

with every step in my high heels.

Fear

I don't think doing good things means

that good things will happen to you.

Or maybe I just haven't been a

good enough person these past 21 years.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Why no great opportunities are opening

up for me.

Maybe it's my incessant complaining

instead of incessant hard work.

I don't know what the key is.

I don't know what I should be doing with my life.

I'm afraid that all of this indecision - 

all of this wondering will continue my whole life

and I will have died with a pointless,

mindless

existence.

I didn't realize it until I got home from New York,

but I am so afraid that I will do

nothing meaningful with my life.

I had always heard people say that,

but I never understood until I went to New York

and got my hopes up.

I never knew I would be so afraid of that.